Food, Pills and Potions

There are always some guests who want to write their own menus and exercise regimes and be issued with permits to slip off for a beer or a cigarette. They were at AYV when I was in Kerala 3 years ago, and they're here at Mattindia, too. Of course, they will all plead that they are a Special Case. I just cannot do that. I cannot disregard the programme the way they do. I just don't understand the thinking behind investing the time and money in a well-proven detox programme, then to decide that you will design your own modified version.

Take two at bedtime

Of course, there are some parts of the regime that are more challenging than others, and I saw this coming when the charming doctor approached me yesterday lunchtime with the magic words: "Tonight you have purgation." 

Purgatory

Purgation is not a word in common usage outside of Catholic doctrine, where it means the ritual cleansing of a soul in purgatory. It does however have a secondary, and just marginally less frightening meaning, which is the evacuation of the bowels brought about by taking laxatives.  You can trust India to use the correct language, especially when Britain has dismissed old vocabulary in favour of a more delicate phraseology.

Doctor explained: "Take these two pills at bedtime and keep drinking plenty of water. Tomorrow, you will have no food, only rice water." What could I say? Only one phrase seemed appropriate, given the language being used: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

Two main elements of Ayurvedic treatment are the external therapies of massage, including water, oil, and steam treatments, and the internal therapies of food, potions and pills. The potions and pills are all herbal and all conform to my grandmother's evaluation of medicines, which was that if it didn't taste bad, it probably wasn't doing you any good.

Some of the pills are the size of spherical beads and almost impossible to swallow; most of the powders are not soluble, so they float suspended in water to create a gritty concoction with a taste that lingers unpleasantly. 

Medicated clarified butter

The one standard on all the Panchakarma detox programmes I have done over the past decade, has been the heavily medicated ghee (clarified butter.) This is an extremely unpleasant way to start the day, and leaves a greasiness in the mouth that only gradually diminishes with the daily breakfast starter of fresh fruit salad. However, the reality is that after less than 10 days of treatments my face looks thinner and my tee-shirts hang more loosely. I would love to tell you how much weight I have lost but . . . I really don't want to reveal this. Let me just say that the scales in the surgery were not designed for calibrating a big Englishman, and when I stood on the platform, I registered off the scale. 

I am glad I started the Daniel Fast before I left home. It did give me a head start, and it's now almost a month since I tasted meat or fish. However, I did decide that the no-alcohol rule only applied under 30,000 feet, and allowed myself a couple or three whiskies on my flights out. 

Watermelon juice

The menu here is very simple, with small portions and nothing even vaguely like a dessert. 

After the fruit at breakfast there is a small portion of a curry of chickpeas or lentils, with a couple of chappatis. Lunch will be a thin soup and a thali (tray) with a couple of curries, a small salad, a generous spoonful of rice and a poppadum. In the evening there will again be a soup, this time followed by a bowl of beans or other pulses and a couple of chappatis and perhaps a banana.

Chickpea Curry

I have never felt hungry, and once I had adjusted to regime and the ritual pummelling on the massage bench, I have been full of energy.

But today it's just rice water: broken grains of rice in tepid water with only salt for seasoning.Roll on tomorrow!